lonliness

i found myself writing something really personal in an email this morning. . . so personal that i haven't even dared to write it in my journal. i have described it, but i have never penned it, named it, gave it the power it has wielded in my life over the years. . . until now.

i wrote ". . . most of my christian life has been lived in a loneliness that is both of God and anti-God at the same time."

i wrote it before benefit of morning coffee which might explain why my guard was down.

my life has surrounded me with people - family, church members, co-workers, neighbors, acquaintances of all shapes and sizes, and strangers. and some have been my friends. and in spite of the number of persons that have been a part of my journey, i have found myself in the company of loneliness more than anyone else.

she has met me late at night and early in the morning when it is only the two of us - and she has my full attention. she has joined me at numerous parties and dinners, standing just behind me. sometimes whispering in my ear during conversations i am trying to have with other guests. usually reminding me that i have nothing to offer and i have no business being a part of a gathering of people who so obviously enjoy being with people. so i find myself only attending those gatherings that are absolutely have-to's. . . it is much less work to be lonely by myself than to be lonely in a group of people.

that is anti-God. it is anti-community. it is anti-body of Christ. it is the easy way out. i don't need people - it is just me and God. God and me. He is all i need.

yes and no.

there is a loneliness of the soul that has always driven me into Him; not His presence or His arms. it has driven me into Him. and He refreshes and cleanses and heals. and then i can re-enter the human race with a better chance of not lashing out at anyone because of my weakness, my pain, my pride.

but God did not send His Son individually to each of us, private and personal. He sent His Son to a very public birth, life, and death - to all of us at once. and while that choice to believe, to follow, to live for Him is made in the quietness of our hearts - that choice calls us to be light and salt to the world - and actually, to be light and salt to the church as well.

it calls us to "be" for each other.

it is hard to "be" for each other in the privacy of our own homes. . .
we need to risk it. . .
we need to "be" for each other WITH each other.