ragamuffin to ragamuffin

once a year i read "the ragamuffin gospel" along with about 12 other books. . . i know, i'm weird. my yearly literary task was in the low single digits until i got addicted to a certain series and now i have to read the entire series each calendar year. . .

but back to the reason i read "the ragamuffin gospel". . . i was raised in the grand tradition of fundamental legalism. if it was fun, it wasn't "legal." i was also raised with certain micro sized-comic book-type tracts that frankly, scared me silly. God loved me enough to send His only Son and His celestial CIA - spying on my every thought, word, and deed - all caught on film (this was before VCRs) and to be shown to my great embarrassment to the cast of thousands just before i entered heaven. God was not a kind grandfather waiting to embrace me at the gates. He was a judge, making sure i was well aware of the legal loophole that Christ's death had opened just wide enough for unworthy miscreants like myself.

when i finally did cross that line between exhaustive playacting and real faith, i carried with me a wide variety of the letter-of-the-law kind of baggage. you know the sort. . . i'm sure you do!
so it wasn't until someone gave me a copy of brennan manning's epistle to the shamed saved and desperately driven and i read. . .

"Though the Scriptures insist on God's initiative in the work of salvation - that by grace we are saved, that the Tremendous Lover has taken to the chase- our spirituality often starts with self, not God. Personal responsibility has replaced personal response. We talk about acquiring virtue as if it were a skill that can be attained like good handwriting or a well-grooved golf swing . In the penitential seasons we focus on overcoming our weaknesses, getting rid of our hang-ups, and reaching Christian maturity. We sweat through various spiritual exercises as if they were designed to produce a Christian Charles Atlas.
Though lip service is paid to the gospel of grace, many Christians live as if it is only personal discipline and self-denial that will mold the perfect me. The emphasis is on what I do rather than on what God is doing."

i found a respite from my quest for perfection for myself and those unfortunate enough to be in my "circle of influence". . . i found grace.

there is not one thing i can do today that will make God love me more nor one thing i can do today that will make Him love me less.

and i love Him all the more for that.